Rebuilding Broken Connections

Did you know that research shows that there are four patterns of interaction between spouses that indicate that your marriage might be headed for trouble?  We all dream of our marriages being full of affection and understanding, but real life sometimes makes the realization of that dream very difficult.  And after a few years of tension and conflict, we wonder if there is any affection left to salvage.  Dr. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and several other titles outlining the findings of his extensive research into what makes for successful and unsuccessful marriage relationships, has discovered that making a sustained effort to avoid or replace these negative interaction patterns can make the difference in a marriage that is really struggling.  

The first and most common of the destructive habits is the habit of criticism.  When we fall into this habit we begin to attack the personality or character of our spouse.  This is not the same as disagreeing with our spouse, or arguing with them.  Criticism is when we take our disagreements and make them personal.  We go from saying, "I'm disappointed." to saying, "You're such a disappointment."  These statements can crush our spouse's self esteem, and make any spontaneous feelings of affection disappear into hurt and rejection.  If we are not careful the habit of criticism can develop into a more general lack of respect and concern for our beloved.  Dr. Gottman calls this contempt, and it has a deeply corrosive effect on marriages.  When we are in the habit of treating our spouses with contempt, we make it difficult for them and for ourselves to remember the appreciation and admiration we once had for them.

When it comes to the inevitable conflicts of married life, the other two destructive patterns come into play.  Both keep us from welcoming the gift of our spouse when we disagree.  The first, defensiveness, seems to come naturally to most of us.  We all want to appear to best advantage, especially when we're in conflict.  But when we begin to act as if we are the victim during a conflict, and our spouse is the aggressor, we make it impossible to have a productive conversation.  Finally, Dr. Gottman warns us against the habit of stonewalling.  Now this pattern is a little more complex than the others because it is almost always the result of our being overwhelmed by negative emotion.  We begin to feel as if we are losing control of our feelings and so we shut down and hope that by disengaging our partner will stop talking.

If these and other counter-productive modes of behavior have crept into your interactions with your husband or wife, the first thing to do is to simply acknowledge that they are there, and that you have been contributing to them, or allowing them to continue.  And don't despair, you can begin today changing your communication patterns, even ones that are long established in your relationship.  

If criticism is your weakness, Dr. Gottman suggests that you try starting your conflict on a more positive note, with a reminder of the things that your spouse does well.  Then you can bring up your own frustrations or requests, but try to frame them in terms of your own needs.  So, instead of "Why do you have to harass me when I get home from work everyday?"  You could say, "You're so good at making sure we're prepared for what's coming next, but I am so exhausted when I get home from work. I could really use just 20 minutes to have some time to regroup before everyone needs me."  This approach increases the positive emotion in the situation and gives your spouse the chance to support and provide for you.

If your irritation with one another has developed into a culture of contempt, then it's time to take a deep breath and ask if you would want someone to speak to you in the way that you are speaking to your spouse.  It takes time and perseverence to change the culture in your relationship, but you can begin by not only saying, but also thinking, grateful things without sarcasm.  Remind yourself of all the reasons you fell in love with the person sleeping next to you and start to thank God for them everyday.  Also, look for something each day that they do for you or your kids, something you never thought to acknowledge, and offer them a 'thank you' for their effort.  These small steps have a big impact, because it turns out that we all want to be better for the people who love and appreciate us.  Make it your goal to communicate some positive emotion to your partner as often as you can.

In times of conflict, if defensiveness tends to be your posture, it may be because you really feel attacked or it may be because you'd rather not take a hard look at the role you have played in the development of the problem at hand.  The solution to this one is to decide that you are going to be honest about your part of the problem.  Whether your contribution to the problem was active or avoidant, there is usually some action you might have taken or refrained from taking that could have made things better.  Ask God for the courage to see yourself honestly and to take responsibility for your contribution to the problem.  This is usually going to require an apology, and apologies are not easy.  Remember that when your spouse must apologize to you too, and try to be merciful to one another.

Finally, we come to stonewalling, that moment when you or your spouse just disengage from the conversation because feelings get intense and voices may get loud.  Please remember at these moments that this unplugging is ordinarily a "fight/flight" response that comes about when one spouse becomes flooded with overwhelming emotion.  Think of stonewalling as emotional "flight" or a need to run away to an interior place where the conflict is not happening.  When you see this happen, either in you or your spouse, it is time for a time-out.  Ask the spouse who has shut down how much time they need before they can resume the conversation.  Give them (or you) at least 20 minutes, but as much as 24 hours to calm down and prepare to try again.  Here's the catch: you have to try again.  Putting off the conflict indefinitely will create a lack of trust and increase frustration in whichever spouse is needing resolution, so make the cool down period as short as possible so that you can resolve the problem together calmly and respectfully.

Marriage is often difficult, but God will give us the grace to love our spouses well even in tough times.  We need to be vigilant, however, to make sure that the ways we communicate during those difficult times builds up our marriage and our spouse instead of tearing them apart.  Sometimes, especially when we have fallen into destructive habits, getting back on track can feel like more than we can do alone.  In those times, a counselor or a trusted friend can help us to look honestly at what has gone wrong and what needs to be done to fix it.  Don't lose hope.  Small steps toward kindness between you can make a huge difference.