Appreciate Your Anger

In my work with partner betrayal, anger is crucial to the healing process. Not only does it let us know we’ve been betrayed, but it also “shields us against vulnerability and pain (KarunaHealingCounselingServices, 2023).” Many of my clients experiencing partner betrayal often describe an intensity of anger they’ve never felt before. Some fear that if they were to act on their anger, they may lose control. We must remember that anger is simply an emotion—an emotion that provides us with information. It’s how we respond to that information that matters most. 

If you are navigating partner betrayal, I encourage you not to ignore your anger. Overlooking it will only lead to additional issues. These issues may include difficulties in other relationships, such as resentment, isolation, or lashing out; physical health complications like hypertension; or mental health challenges such as depression and anxiety. Much like the dashboard on a car, our anger resembles the check engine light. If we ignore it, we may be able to keep driving for a short time, but eventually, the car will break down. 

Instead of ignoring your anger, pay attention to it. Your anger reminds you of the injustice you’ve endured. It lets you know where you need protection and what needs you still have for yourself or your relationship (Debi, 2024). Your anger is not to be feared but appreciated. When you struggle to trust your partner, allow your anger to help you establish the necessary boundaries to rebuild safety. When you feel lost, let your anger anchor you in what’s important. And when you feel powerless, let your anger remind you of what you can control (KarunaHealingCounselingServices, 2023). By understanding your anger, you will be better equipped to navigate the symptoms of betrayal trauma. 

If you’ve recently discovered your partner’s betrayal, you may find it challenging to validate or express your anger effectively. You may become fixated on the betrayal and struggle to be present in conversations. You might find it hard to sleep or find yourself replaying the betrayal in your mind. If this resonates with you, here are some ways to cope with your anger: 

• Journaling 
• Physical activity 
• Artistic expression 
• Meditation 
• Prayer 
• Connect with social supports 
• Deep breathing 
• Listening to music 
• Changing your surroundings 

You may not feel immediate relief, but don’t lose hope. Be patient with yourself and with this process. It will take time. Let yourself digest how you are feeling, and let your anger help you create the essential changes in your life that you may not have had the courage to do before.

Anna Jett, LMFT

Ephesians 4:26-31: Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.

Debi. (2024, December 12). Why sadness and anger are normal after betrayal (And How to process them). The PBT® Institute. https://thepbtinstitute.com/why-sadness-and-anger-are-normal-after-betra...

KarunaHealingCounselingServices. (2023, December 22). Betrayal trauma and anger: understanding and navigating the emotional landscape. Karuna Healing Counseling Services. https://karunahealing.org/betrayal-trauma-and-anger-understanding-and-na...

Lamar, J. (2024, January 15). Understanding Anger After Betrayal: How to Cope with Relational Trauma - Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center. Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center. https://thebtrc.com/understanding-anger-after-betrayal-how-to-cope-with-....

Additional Resources 

Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder: The Six Stages of Healing by Dennis Ortman, PhD