In my previous article I outlined what narcissistic abuse looks like. In this second part, I would like to focus on gaslighting, its harmful effects, and how to protect yourself against it. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula in her book, It’s Not You, “…gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves the gaslighter denying reality and dismantling a person’s sense of self by denying their experiences, perceptions, emotions, and, ultimately, reality.” This dynamic is present in every narcissistic relationship. This is what the aftermath of gaslighting looks like.
Undermines Self-Trust: The narcissist wants the partner to doubt their own judgment and reality. Over time, this form of abuse erodes the partner's ability to trust their own perceptions. They may start to second-guess themselves, leading to confusion and a loss of self-confidence.
Emotional Instability: Chronic manipulation and invalidation can create emotional instability. The partner may feel like they are "walking on eggshells," never knowing what is real or what the narcissist will say next. This leads to a constant state of anxiety, stress, and a sense of helplessness.
Isolation: The narcissist will often gaslight their partners by telling them that others are "crazy" or that their friends and family are lying. This leads the partner to become isolated from their support system, as they begin to trust the narcissist's version of events more than their own relationships and experiences. The partner will then continue to feel disoriented and off-balance.
Loss of Identity: The narcissist used gaslighting to control their partner’s sense of self. The constant abuse can lead the partner to forget who they truly are, as they are absorbed into the narcissist's twisted and distorted view of reality. This can lead to a loss of personal boundaries, a sense of self, interests, and goals, leading the partner to feel like they are nothing more than an extension of the narcissist.
Cognitive Dissonance: The partner may experience cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort that occurs when the partner’s reality and beliefs are in conflict. The narcissist's lies and manipulations lead the partner feel split between what they know is true and what they are being told. This can lead to confusion, frustration, and an inability to make clear decisions.
Increased Self-Doubt and Self-Blame: Gaslighting often involves the narcissist telling the partner that they are overreacting, imagining things, or being too sensitive. This leads the partner to take responsibility for issues in the relationship, even when the narcissist is at fault. Over time, the partner may feel like they are the problem.
Depression and Anxiety: The mental and emotional toll of being constantly manipulated and made to feel crazy can lead to depression, anxiety, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The partner may feel stuck in the relationship, unsure of how to break free, and may experience persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and fear.
Diminished Mental Health: Prolonged exposure to gaslighting can damage the partner's overall quality of mental health. As they are made to question their own reality, sanity, and judgment, their self-esteem can plummet. Over time, this can result in chronic mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness.
Ultimately, gaslighting by a narcissist can significantly damage the partner's emotional, mental, and psychological well-being. It often takes a long time to recover from the effects of this manipulation, and many victims may need professional therapy and support to rebuild their sense of self and to begin to heal.
Protecting yourself from gaslighting involves a combination of awareness, self-care, and assertiveness. Here are some strategies to help you:
Educate Yourself on Gaslighting: Learn more about gaslighting and emotional manipulation so you can recognize the signs more easily. The more you know, the less likely it is that you'll fall into the trap of self-doubt.
Trust Your Perceptions and Instincts: Gaslighters often try to make you doubt your reality. Remind yourself that your experiences, feelings, and memories are valid. Practice tuning into your instincts and trust your intuition. If something feels wrong or confusing, don’t dismiss it.
Document Your Experiences: Keep a journal of conversations, events, and situations where you feel manipulated or confused. Writing things down can help you see patterns, validate your feelings, and protect yourself from the gaslighter's distortions. When you can, save important communications (emails, texts) as evidence.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear and firm boundaries with the person who is gaslighting you. If they try to manipulate or twist your words, calmly assert your position and refuse to engage in the manipulation. Practice saying things like, “I don’t agree with your version of events,” or “That’s not how I remember it.”
Stay Calm and Assertive: Gaslighters often try to provoke emotional reactions from you to destabilize you. Practice staying calm and assertive when interacting with them. Refrain from getting defensive or trying to prove them wrong in a heated moment. This is often a losing battle. Instead, calmly state your facts or remove yourself from the conversation if needed.
Limit Contact with the Gaslighter: If possible, minimize your contact with the person who is gaslighting you. Limiting their influence in your life can safeguard your mental and emotional well-being. Mr. Miyagi’s advice to Daniel in The Karate Kid feels especially relevant here. He tells Daniel not to be there for the punch when it happens.
Seek Outside Perspectives: Talk to a trusted friend or family member about your experiences. Friends, family, or a therapist can provide an outside perspective that will help you discern whether you are being gaslit. Sometimes, all you need is an outside perspective to validate your feelings and offer some clarity.
Seek Professional Help: If you feel overwhelmed or unsure about how to handle the situation, it can be helpful to talk to a therapist. They can help you process the experience, rebuild your confidence, and develop strategies to cope. Therapy can also help you identify patterns of gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse that might be affecting your well-being.
Practice Self-Compassion: Gaslighting can have a significant impact on your self-esteem and mental health. Practice self-care, be kind to yourself, and remind yourself that the manipulation is not your fault. Engage in activities that boost your confidence and sense of self-worth.
Consider the Long-Term Impact: If the gaslighting is ongoing and severe, it may be necessary to consider whether this relationship is healthy for you. Sometimes, cutting ties or distancing yourself permanently is the best way to protect yourself.
Remember that gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, and you deserve to be treated with respect and to feel secure in your perceptions of reality. Protecting yourself involves strengthening your mental and emotional resilience and seeking support when needed. As I mentioned in my previous article, if you are in a relationship with these types of dynamics, please know that support is available.
Peace,
Chris Ellman, MSW, LCSW, SATP, CSAT
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