Reclaiming Yourself: How to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse

In my second article I focused on one of the narcissist’s main weapons, which is gaslighting. Now I would like to discuss what healing from this type of abuse can look like. Healing from narcissistic abuse is not linear and is often messy, but it is absolutely possible. After surviving gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional control, many people feel shattered, disoriented, unsure of what is real, or who they are. This article explores what healing can look like—from reconnecting with your truth to rebuilding a resilient, confident self.

One of the first steps and most important steps in healing is believing your own story. Gaslighting and other abusive tactics work by making you doubt your experiences. Journaling, talking with safe people, or working with a trauma-informed therapist can help affirm what you went through—and that it wasn’t your fault.

Dr. Ramani, in her book, It’s Not You, says that radical acceptance is a gateway to healing. She describes radical acceptance this way: “See the narcissistic relationship and the behavior clearly, and not being surprised by the gaslighting and invalidation, and being resolute even as the narcissistic abuse continues but with realistic expectations and the benefit of knowing this is not going to change allow you to slowly cut the trauma bond, ease up on the self-blame, and clarify the muddy waters of confusion.” This piece of healing involves heavy grief work. When my clients enter into the work of radical acceptance they begin to mourn the countless losses of broken promises, future-faking, the years lost to abuse, and what could have been. It’s also common for survivors of narcissistic abuse to struggle with feelings of guilt for naming their loved one’s behavior as abusive. This guilt usually begins to subside when they begin to shift their focus on what their loved one did to focusing on how that behavior harmed them. They begin sharing their story which allows them to radically accept and grieve some of the most painful parts of their experience.

For survivors of this particular kind of abuse, they lived a life marked by confusion, second-guessing, and self-doubt. One way to heal from this is by learning to trust yourself, little by little. Begin by making decisions, even small ones, and notice what it feels like to stand behind those decisions. You can also reflect back on moments you just knew something was off, even if you ignored the signs. This will help you realize that you can trust your intuition and your gut. This will require patience with yourself and giving your self the space and time to settle in to your body again. This can be a beautiful time of self-rediscovery.

For a variety of reasons, many people who are in a relationship with a narcissist do not choose or are unable to leave. I cannot overstate the importance of not shaming yourself. Your reason[s] for staying are yours and yours alone. Dr. Ramani believes that healing is far more important than leaving. If you decide to stay, setting boundaries is the next necessary piece. The first step in setting boundaries is deciding what you will and will not tolerate. This is not about attempting to control or manage the narcissistic person’s behavior, it is about setting a boundary that leads you to feel safe and honoring it. You may decide that you will no longer share about certain topics or information about yourself. You may decide that if the narcissistic person begins raising his or her own voice, you’ll choose to end the conversation and walk away. Another boundary is deciding on low contact with the narcissistic person. For example, this can look like not initiating any contact beyond attending a few family gatherings a year. If you need to engage with that person, you limit your communication to neutral topics. One of my favorite forms of low contact communication is gray rocking. Dr. Ramani says “gray rocking entails being as uninteresting as a gray rock, with minimal response, flat emotion, and simple answers.” This means that you keep your communication brief, unemotional, and limited only to necessary information. Gray rocking ensures that you don’t get pulled into an argument or trapped in the narcissistic person’s vortex of chaos.

You are going to need to give yourself time. Recovering from narcissistic abuse is difficult and everyone heals at their own pace. If you’re a survivor of narcissistic abuse, what happened to you is real and you’re not alone. It is never too late to begin the healing journey. No matter how long the healing process takes, each step is a powerful act of rebellion and resistance against the wicked treatment you’ve endured.

Peace, 

Chris Ellman, MSW, LCSW, SATP, CSAT