As a couple’s therapist, I am often asked about “Love Languages” and their usefulness in relationships. The idea of the five love languages originated with a book by Baptist pastor Gary Chapman called “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.” The book details five common means of displaying affection within relationships. Mr. Chapman states that these are words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and gift giving. He theorizes that every person has their preferred means of receiving and expressing love, typically falling into one of these five categories. While I admittedly have some qualms with the full extent of his theory, it is clear to me that a healthy relationship involves all five of these forms of affection.

The love languages are not an integral part of my therapeutic approach, but the topic is often brought up by the couples I work with, typically due to the fact that one or both spouses feel as though their preferred means of receiving love is not being fulfilled. This can be a normal growing pain, as each partner has different ways of expressing affection that may or may not match their spouse’s, and it can be a learning process to become more intentional with tapping into those other forms of affection. The main complaints are typically regarding physical touch, acts of service, and words of affirmation. Most understand the necessity of physical touch and acts of service within a relationship, but I’ve found that words of affirmation often brings push-back. “Why do I need to compliment them? They already know how I feel,” and, “obviously I wouldn’t be with them if I didn’t love them.” These statements indicate a belief that affirmation is gratuitous and unnecessary.

Yet this discomfort is not only shown by the ones being asked to offer affirmation but by those on the receiving end as well. I have watched men and women alike squirm in response to a heartfelt compliment, whether by me or their spouse. Of course, it’s not just couples but individuals as well. So this begs the question:

Why are we so deeply uncomfortable with affirmation?

Perhaps we’re in recovery from a generation of participation trophies, where affirmation was given out in bulk with little to no discretion. Have the words “good job” and “proud of you” lost their meaning? Maybe we’ve heard these statements so many times that they’ve turned into platitudes? I posit that it’s actually the opposite. We are living in a world where affirmation is hungered for, where there is a scarcity of real, genuine praise, and in our starvation, many of us have turned to the vapid flattery of social media.

We first learn about our goodness through the people around us, predominantly our family. Our parents teach us about who we are, and they form our understanding of how we interact with the world around us. The sad truth is that some parents only offer limited or surface-level affirmation, primarily focused on achievement and production rather than characteristics. Whether that’s because they themselves didn’t grow up receiving it, or they simply don’t see the value in it, the result is that their children are not aware of their inherent goodness.

Thus, we are unaccustomed to the exposure that occurs when someone who really knows us takes the time to look us in the eye and say out loud the good that they see in us. There’s a vulnerability in being seen in such a way, and often we respond with deflection, dismissal, or half-hearted gratitude. So if we’re so hungry for this affirmation, why do we have such a hard time receiving it?

Disbelief. If we aren’t used to hearing confirmation of our positive qualities, we may struggle to believe that the statement is coming from a place of honesty. Perhaps we think they want to placate or butter us up. Maybe they’re just one of those annoyingly positive “cheerleader” types. “Well you’re my therapist, you have to say that.” If we trust this person to mean what they say, we might come to the conclusion that we’ve fooled them. “Oh silly naïve one, if you only knew the real me, you’d never say something like that.” If we can’t see our own goodness, how can we ever believe that anyone else could? This speaks to a deeper problem. Shame. Shame is the belief that we are unworthy, inadequate, not enough. Shame is rooted in lies, but it has a tricky way of convincing us that the affirmation is the real lie.

Yet even those who are aware of the presence of goodness within them can struggle to receive acknowledgement of it. “Oh, yeah, cool, thanks, that’s nice of you to say.” I have found that this often stems from a fear of taking pride in the compliment or a discomfort with the level of pleasure that results from receiving it. But it is natural and healthy for us to desire for others to see good within us. Our positive attributes are gifts from God, and when we live out of that goodness, we are revealing Him to those around us. Magnanimity was once described to me as a humble confidence – to be so deeply rooted in our inherent goodness and so confident in its gift that it emanates out of us. This should be evident to others, and affirmation serves as confirmation of this truth.

So how do we get more comfortable with this sort of praise? I propose exposure therapy. Parents affirm your kids, husbands tell your wives they’re beautiful and intelligent, wives tell your husbands they’re brave and strong. Shower your friends with compliments. Make sure you mean it when you say it. Even if it feels uncomfortable, say it with intentionality, and when it’s received with discomfort, know that it is good to speak the truth, particularly when it’s confirmation of God’s presence within another. Don't be afraid to delight in your goodness and to praise God when others acknowledge it within you. For "God looked at everything He had made, and found it very good." (Gen. 1:31)

Lyndsay Hilton, MA, PLPC

If you’re interested in increasing your affirming abilities but don’t know where to start or what to say, check out this resource on positive character traits: Positive Character Traits and Habits