Three things that I have unintentionally lived my life by are: make it simple, make it quick, and make it dramatic. I’ve also had the opportunity to learn in my work that most individuals share the same desire. 

 

As soon as we get uncomfortable, tense, or overwhelmed, our brains immediately reach for simplified answers. We want a clear, instant verdict: Is this good or bad? Am I doing this right or wrong? Am I broken or healed? We try to sort our messy feelings into neat drawers like we’re going through junk mail, hoping that if we can just compartmentalize everything into its place, we’ll minimize the pain and get to a workable solution faster.

 

Problem/solution. Yes/no. Black/white. Good/bad.

 

Desiring clarity is entirely natural, especially when we’re trying to make sense of the hurt we're processing. But real healing doesn't fit neatly into a box. The most transformative work that I’ve done with individuals happens when they stop forcing themselves to choose Option A or Option B, and instead look toward The Third Option.

 

The Trap of Bypassing

 

I’m sure most people can relate to the moment we trap our experience inside the "either/or" where we fall into a subtle but dangerous habit: we work tirelessly to bypass the more painful option.

 

Usually the response is to throw out the hurt, fear, or disappointment so we can quickly grab onto problem-solving, positivity, or peace. But when we try to force one side of our reality out, we lose out on perspective.

 

Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers wrote:

 

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

 

We can’t transform a reality that we are constantly trying to run away from or avoid. When we try to slide by the heavy stuff, we don't actually heal it—we’re just suppressing it. And in another sense white knuckling it. 

 

Holding Both Hands Open

 

The Third Option isn't a complex, 10-step plan. It’s simply the practice of learning to hold two things at once. 

 

It means giving yourself permission to hold:

 

• The pain and the hope.
• The boundary and the love.
• The grief and the gratitude.
• The reality of where you are today and the vision of where you are going.

 

This is known as psychological flexibility. It’s the ability to make room for difficult emotions while still moving forward with what matters most. It’s also learning that you don't have to drop the heavy hand just to lift the lighter one.

 

Gifts in the Tension

 

The balance is incredibly tricky, but holding both hands open allows you to evaluate the space between them. It gives you room to see how God is actively working through both ends of your story.

 

God doesn't just show up in the clean, easy, resolved moments. He has gifts for us in the heavy moments, too—gifts of endurance, depth, empathy, and dependence on Him. When we stop trying to eliminate half (or sometimes more) of our human experience, holding both side-by-side yields far deeper personal growth, spiritual understanding, and true integration.

 

A Practice for Your Week

 

If you find yourself stuck in a binary trap today—feeling like you have to be completely "fixed" before you can move forward—take a deep breath and open both hands. 

 

Try rewriting your internal script from "Either / Or" to "Both / And."

 

Instead of "I am struggling, so I failed," try: "I am struggling today, AND I am still committed to my healing."

 

Instead of "I can't feel afraid and be faithful," try: "This is scary, AND God is carrying me through it."

 

Instead of "I shouldn't feel hurt anymore," try: "I hold real pain in one hand, AND I hold real hope in the other."

 

Restoration isn't about wiping your emotional slate clean until no pain remains. Restoration is widening your capacity so that hope and pain can sit at the same table, teaching you along the way.

 

By Cody Hummer, LMSW