Betrayal Trauma

Discovering your spouse has been unfaithful is one of the most traumatic things that can happen in a marriage. You may have gone through many relationships before this one or were waiting for the perfect one. You chose this person because they made you feel safe and like you could trust them. To find out your spouse has violated your trust is heartbreaking beyond measure. It can send you into a whirlwind of emotions and make you feel like you’re out of control. You may even feel crazy, but you’re not crazy, you're traumatized.

Betrayal trauma occurs when someone you depend on violates your trust or well-being. Just like any other trauma, betrayal trauma can impact many facets of your life.  Symptoms may include:

• Difficulty sleeping
• Ruminating about the betrayal
• Inability to focus
• Isolation
• Intense anger or physical aggression
• Low self-esteem
• Change in appetite
• Self-doubt
• Poor body image
• Panic attacks

These symptoms can be overwhelming and to some extent paralyzing. After discovery, your amygdala takes over. This is where your flight, fight, or freeze response occurs. One minute you may want to leave your relationship and the next minute you can’t imagine a life without them. You may go from lashing out at your spouse to being intimate in the same argument. You may feel certain you want to be intimate and then regret your decision after doing so. Your amygdala is seeking safety. This includes both emotional and physical. It’s all about the here and now. Although your amygdala helps you to be aware of potential dangers, it can sometimes be too sensitive to perceived threats and interfere with your judgment.

Right now, it’s important to calm down your amygdala so your prefrontal cortex can take over. This part of your brain is responsible for executive functioning and will help you regulate your emotions and build confidence in your decisions. This is not an easy task and will take time. As mentioned before, you’ve been traumatized and are going to need help. Not just professional help, but help from your spouse.

When you have a spouse who is remorseful and willing to right the wrong anything can happen. Your marriage not only has a chance to heal but thrive. As a couple, you can set boundaries that build physical safety and learn empathy skills that build emotional safety. You can grieve this betrayal together and reconnect to your faith and values. Trust can be restored and your heart can be mended. You’re not going to feel out of control forever. This is temporary. 

Anna Jett, MS, LMFT