Is This Narcissism?

“That guy is a such a jerk! He’s probably a narcissist.”

“Why does she always have to be the center of attention?! I bet she’s a narcissist.”

This word has been making the rounds on social media for a while now. It seems when a word becomes ubiquitous, it can lose the full weight of its meaning. I believe the term “narcissist” is one of the latest victims of this phenomenon. Just because someone behaves like a jerk or seems to need a lot of attention does not mean that they’re a narcissist. Why do we need to know this? I’ve come believe that this is a topic that is important for the general population to learn more about. I have had many clients who did not realize the difficult relationship went so much deeper due to narcissistic behaviors. In addition, I have personally experienced the painful awakening to the reality of being in a narcissistic relationship with a family member. Needless to say, this topic is important to me.

So, what exactly makes someone a narcissist? At their core, narcissists are profoundly fragile and insecure. They compensate for this fragility by protective and harmful behaviors to remain in control. They also lack empathy and self-awareness which means they do not pause to recognize how harmful their behavior is to others. Because of their insecurity, they crave admiration and validation from others. This is known as narcissistic supply; it is very similar to a drug. When they run out of supply, they can become irritable and even rageful. Some other classic traits are entitlement, grandiosity, an inability to regulate their emotions, contempt for others, and a need for dominance.

Resources abound that describe the many wonders of a narcissist, however, it is the people who are left in the cruel wake of a narcissist that need and deserve the most support. Earlier this year, Dr. Ramani Durvasula released her latest book: It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. Her area of expertise is walking alongside those who are going through or have survived narcissistic abuse.

Dr. Ramani identifies several exquisitely wicked methods that narcissists employ. She says that gaslighting is the “centerpiece” of narcissistic abuse. Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that leads the other to question their reality and sanity. Here’s what this can sound like, “I never said that; you must be imagining things.” “Other people have it so much worse; you’re so ungrateful.” “There’s no reason to get so angry.” Another abusive tool in the narcissistic toolbelt is what Dr. Ramani calls the DIMMER patterns. This is an acronym that stands for: dismissiveness, invalidation, minimization, manipulation, exploitation, and rage. Narcissists are also skilled at wielding patterns of domination. These patterns include threats, isolation, and revenge. Patterns of being disagreeable are also part of the narcissist’s native tongue. These can include blame-shifting, contempt, humiliation, and criticizing. These are but a few examples of the dynamics that are present in a relationship with a narcissist.

Anyone can find themselves the victim of a narcissist; a husband/wife, son/daughter, sibling, grandchild, friend, coworker, etc. The impacts on the victim of narcissistic abuse are legion. Here is just a short list of what this type of abuse can do to someone. You can experience depression, anxiety, hopelessness, hypervigilance, regret, self-blame, etc. I’ve heard clients tell me that living with a narcissist is like constantly walking around on eggshells. Because their moods can be inconsistent and volatile, the victims of their abuse will typically engage in such behaviors as appeasing, reassuring, apologizing [despite having done nothing wrong], and self-denial. These behaviors are means to feel safe and avoid the narcissist’s wrath.

In his book, When Narcissism Comes to Church, Chuck DeGroat says, “Perhaps the most frightening thing about narcissism’s bite is that it often comes without leaving a physical wound.” I’ve seen too many people essentially gaslight themselves. “At least he doesn’t hit me.” “He had such a difficult childhood.” “I’m not perfect either.” And perhaps the most diabolical of all, “I know that he loses his temper sometimes. This is just my cross to bear.” We all want to defend and remain loyal to those we love. I’ve heard it said that the truth will set you free. It’s common for people to tell me that their husband or wife “struggles with anger.” The more they tell me the less it sounds like mere anger. The behavior they describe is belittling, blame-shifting, rage, lying, dominating, etc. When I name these behaviors as emotionally abusive, the sense of relief that I see is astounding. “Finally, someone sees me.” “I thought I was going crazy.” When we can speak something aloud, we can then begin to heal and move forward.

My purpose in writing about this is to shine the spotlight on what narcissistic abuse looks like and how easily it can go unnoticed. If any of this sounds familiar and you find yourself being treated this way, please know that this behavior is abusive and unacceptable. If this is where you find yourself, I gently but urgently encourage you to seek support from a compassionate therapist who can guide through this discovery and on to a path to healing.

Peace, 

Chris Ellman, MSW, LCSW, SATP, CSAT