Plot twist: At 45, I discovered something about myself that helped explain a lifetime of feeling different. Two years ago, I was diagnosed as autistic. I had been diagnosed with ADHD in my 20s, but there were still parts of myself I struggled to understand. Receiving an autism diagnosis helped me make sense of experiences that had left me wondering why I sometimes seemed out of step with the world around me.

As a clinical therapist, I have spent years helping others understand themselves and their experiences. I never anticipated how much my own diagnosis would change the way I understood my life. Even two years later, I am still looking back, making connections, and discovering things about myself that I didn't understand before.

A Lifetime of Feeling Different

For much of my life, I didn't always understand the unspoken rules of social interaction. I often missed social cues, and there were times when people perceived me as rude, even though that was never my intention. It could be frustrating to realize that someone had interpreted me in a way that didn't match what I was thinking or feeling.

I also tend to take things literally. I sometimes miss implied meanings, sarcasm, or what someone is trying to communicate indirectly, which can lead to misunderstandings.

I've also learned that my facial expressions don't always match my emotions. People have asked me if I'm alright because my face looks flat or expressionless, even when I'm feeling just fine. What they see on the outside doesn't necessarily reflect what is happening inside.

Here's another interesting contrast I've noticed when looking back on my life: as a child, I always felt older than I was. Now, as an adult, I often feel younger than my age. It's something I'm still trying to understand as I continue to make sense of my experiences and how they fit into the bigger picture of who I am.

Experiences like these can leave you wondering why other people seem to understand things that you don't. Over time, it's easy to turn that confusion inward and assume the problem is you. My autism diagnosis gave me another way to understand these experiences. I began to see that some things I had struggled with for years were connected to how I experience and navigate the world.

The Joys and Challenges of Being Autistic

Music has always been one of my greatest passions. I love listening to music, reading album reviews, and learning about the artists behind the albums. When I become particularly interested in an artist, I want to explore their entire body of work and learn more about them as people.

I also want to own every album. My collection is organized alphabetically by artist and chronologically by album. If something is out of place, I notice it immediately, and I feel compelled to fix it. There is a real satisfaction in seeing everything complete and in its proper place.

Understanding autism has helped me appreciate that these interests are more than hobbies. Special interests can bring deep enjoyment, comfort, and a sense of fulfillment. They are an important part of who we are, and I am learning to appreciate that part of myself.

I have also come to better understand my sensory needs. Social gatherings can be exhausting, especially when several conversations are happening at once. I may be trying to follow one conversation while other voices compete for my attention. Add bright lights and other sensory input, and it can become overwhelming.

Interruptions and sudden changes in plans can also leave me feeling dysregulated. When I have prepared for something one way and it suddenly changes, I may need time to adjust. Having predictability and time to regroup makes a difference.

Learning to recognize these needs has helped me understand that I don't have to push through every uncomfortable situation or judge myself for needing something different. Sometimes, taking care of myself means recognizing when I've had enough.

The Grief of a Late Diagnosis

My autism diagnosis has brought a mixture of relief, sadness, and grief. So much of my life makes more sense when I look at it through the lens of autism. At the same time, I sometimes wonder how different things might have been if I had understood this part of myself earlier.

I think about the years I spent feeling different, the times I was misunderstood, and the energy it took to navigate situations that seemed easier for other people. There is sadness in realizing how long I went without an explanation for experiences that shaped so much of my life.

Even now, I continue to look back and make connections I hadn't made before. This process has taught me that relief and grief can exist together. I can be grateful for the understanding I have gained while wishing I had received it sooner.

Making sense of a late diagnosis takes time. It involves more than learning about autism; it also means reconsidering how you understand yourself and your past. I am still working through that process, and I suspect I will be for a while.

Why This Matters to Me as a Therapist

My personal experience with ADHD and autism has deepened my appreciation for how important it is to understand the person behind the behavior. Someone may appear capable and successful while privately struggling with sensory demands, social interactions, or a persistent feeling of not belonging.

As a therapist, I believe in approaching people with curiosity rather than assumptions. We don't always know what someone is experiencing or how much effort it takes for them to navigate everyday life. Sometimes, having the opportunity to explore those experiences can help a person understand themselves in a way they never have before.

You Don't Have to Make This Journey Alone

Part of the reason I share my story is that I don't want others to spend their lives feeling alone or believing there is something wrong with them. If you've spent years feeling different, wondered whether you might be autistic or have ADHD, or are still processing a diagnosis, I hope my story reminds you that you are not alone.

I know how meaningful it can be to look back on your life and begin to understand yourself differently. If you're trying to make sense of your own experiences, I welcome the opportunity to help you explore those questions in therapy. You don't have to have everything figured out before you begin.

Being neurodivergent does not mean there is something wrong with you. It is never too late to begin understanding yourself, and you don't have to make that journey alone.

 

Peace,

Chris Ellman